Remember when we all thought "The X Factor" would put "Idol" out of business? Yeah, not so much. Simon Cowell's much-ballyhooed singing competition certainly grabbed solid ratings in its debut season last fall, but I think we can all agree that it was a long way from the cultural phenomenon that "Idol" was even back in Season 1. On that note, Season 11 started with a flashback to Kelly Clarkson winning this show back in 2002, making the point that, a decade later, little kids who fell in love with Kelly are now eligible to try out for the show. Something tells me that in 2022, should we all last that long, the same will not be said of Melanie Amaro. Just a hunch.

After Season 10's slew of changes, things remain pretty much the same for Season 11. The panel remains the same as last year. I'm fine with that. Jennifer Lopez was way too nice in the initial auditions last time - mind you, that was a deliberate part of her very successful image makeover - but ended up offering smart, specific advice the further we got into the proceedings. Honestly I think she's one of the best judges the show has ever had (but she was still too nice last night). Steven Tyler was a surprise hit in the early audition rounds last year, but proved fairly useless once we got to the public voting. I hope he actually critiques the contestants this year. Randy continues to exist. He's not leaving this gravy train until they boot his ass off.

That's not the case for host Ryan Seacrest, however. This is the last year of his contract and he's rumored to be the frontrunner for new host of the "Today" show after Matt Lauer steps down. (Tangent: the fact that the man responsible for the Kardashian plague infecting this country might be taking over "Today" is undeniable proof that our planet shifted into a hell dimension when none of us was looking.) So Ryan might be gone after this season, and last night certainly included several hints to that effect. I would be completely on board with that, as I think he's terrible at his job. He has trouble bringing the live shows in on time, he argues with the judges, he plays obvious favorites with the contestants, and he has a tendency to make everything about him. Enough.

The two-hour premiere focused on auditions from Savannah, Georgia, during which Steven was dressed like the Rainbow Brite version of Huggy Bear. There's no point in going through all of the cattle, so I'm just going to recap the five most memorable auditions of the night. Disagree with my take? Did I leave out your favorite/most hated? Post in the comments.

David Leathers, Jr. from Fayetteville, North Carolina, was the first contestant of the season. He claims he's 17 year old, but I think he added 10 years to that number. David says he's called Mr. Steal Your Girl by his friends. Steal them to do what? Play My Li'l Pony? I'm not saying that to be mean - he may have some medical condition, I don't know. But David honestly looks and sounds like a child who has only just started to approach puberty. Then again, girls swoon over the near-fetus that is Justin Bieber, so maybe zygote is currently the look. David initially sang a song by Century 21. He has a good voice - he sounds like Jackson 5-era Michael Jackson. In fact, he sounds so much like early MJ that the judges prompted him to sing "Never Can Say Goodbye." He was better in the first song, for sure. I remain dubious that he is actually 17, and his faux player attitude had my eyes rolling, but he was certainly capable of making it to Hollywood. He got a unanimous yes.

Schyler Dixon, 16, from Tennessee, is super cute. She sang a song by The Script, and I liked her when she really belted instead of the faked-out restrained stuff. She was trying too hard to hold back. Her audition in and of itself was unremarkable. However, her brother is Colton Dixon, whom you may remember from the Hollywood rounds in Season 10. I was stunned when they cut him last year - he has "Idol" potential written all over him. He's very cute and very talented, and seemed like a total ringer to me. When Schyler came in she announced that Colton was not auditioning again. The judges literally begged him to try again, and he was great on David Cook's "Permanent." You could tell Schyler was PISSED that Colton snatched her attention - I suspect that's something she has struggled with her entire life - and they both got through to Hollywood. But it was pretty clear to me that the judges were way more interested in Colton than Schyler. That sucks for her, but honestly, she needs to accept that at this point, he really is just leagues better than she is. Have we ever had a situation where a contestant was more or less drafted into the show in that way?

Phillip Phillips, a 20-year-old pawn-shop worker from Leesburg, GA, got the pimp slot of the evening. At first Phillip sang a grungy version of "Superstition" by Stevie Wonder, and I hated it. I HATED it. His weird little tics seemed totally fake to me - it was right out of the Eddie Vedder playbook. But then Phillip picked up his guitar, which he rocked, and did a rambling version of "Thriller" that I thought was great. The judges praised his "true artistry," and I do think that Phillip has a lot of cool elements to him, and has huge potential. But I think he is borrowing too much from the 90's to be called "original." That said, he's a frontrunner, and I think he'll go far in this competition. Through to Hollywood.

Amy Brumfield, 24, from Tennessee lives in a tent out in the woods and was dressed like an Old West madame. Just when I think this show can't surprise me after 10 years, something like that happens. Amy picked "Superwoman" by Alicia Keys. She has a nice weathered tone to her voice, and knows how to tell a story through song. But she is very, very rough around the edges. She will get comparisons to Crystal Bowersox, but I don't think she has Crystal's ability or potential. She made it to Hollywood based off of her fine audition, but I don't see her going terribly far in the competition.

W.T. Thompson, 25, from Appomattox, VA, quit his job to audition for "American Idol." We've seen that before, and it's stupid every time we see it. But here's a wrinkle: his wife is six and a half months pregnant! FOOLERY. W.T., his wife, and the show would seem to think that this is somehow noble. "Follow your dreams!" "You're a star!" Whatever. It is not noble to cut off your source of income when you have a baby coming in less than three months, just so you can try out for a reality-TV show. It is beyond stupid. You're about to be a father. Your dreams, frankly, come second to providing for your children, to whom you are now responsible for the next 18 years. Don't like it? Don't get someone pregnant. FOOLERY. This situation was even more infuriating because W.T. sucks. I don't know what song he was singing, but he just wasn't good enough. He was flat throughout, and he showed absolutely no dynamic or vocal interpretation. It was barely passable karaoke, but Jennifer gave him a yes, and Randy seconded it - even though he said he'd be eaten alive -- mostly because he has a baby on the way. THEN MAYBE HE SHOULDN'T QUIT HIS JOB. Steven was unmoved, saying that W.T. was not ready for this. Jennifer argued that the problems with his voice "can be fixed." Really? Is that what this show is about? I thought it was about finding unsung talent, not taking mediocre singers and trying to turn them into slightly less mediocre singers. It's S9's Big Mike all over again, except Mike actually could sing. This guy is deluded.

In terms of the bad auditions, the family of Jessica Whitely, 19, from Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio, should be ashamed of themselves, allowing their presumed loved one to continue to embarrass herself publicly like that. Joshua Chavis, 23, South Carolina, is a bizarre amalgam of Stefon from "SNL" and a redneck, and very highly strung. That kid went through the full emotional range, from elation to rage to despair, within two minutes, and probably should talk to a professional. Poor Mawuena Kodjo is an immigrant who has a very thick accent and questionable social skills, so of course this show thought it was appropriate to mock him on national television. Classy.

A total of 42 people got golden tickets over the course of two days.

Up next: Pittsburgh, planking, lots of crying, and major Jennifer eyeshadow.